HumorJokez

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

2009-10-11T14:21:00.001-07:00

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture

2009-10-11T14:20:00.005-07:00

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.

“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

2009-10-11T14:20:00.003-07:00

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian

2009-10-11T14:20:00.001-07:00

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.

2009-10-11T14:19:00.005-07:00

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.

2009-10-11T14:19:00.003-07:00

A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.

My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.

What does the M stand for?

Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road

2009-10-11T14:19:00.001-07:00

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans

2009-10-11T14:18:00.005-07:00

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

After her conviction of murder in the second degree

2009-10-11T14:18:00.003-07:00

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket

2009-10-11T14:18:00.001-07:00

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine

2009-10-11T14:17:00.005-07:00

A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.

2009-10-11T14:17:00.003-07:00

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.

Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.

Doctor: To make your will?

Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy

2009-10-11T14:17:00.001-07:00

“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad

2009-10-11T14:16:00.005-07:00

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together

2009-10-11T14:16:00.003-07:00

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.

Three small kids were bragging about how tough they were

2009-10-11T14:16:00.001-07:00

Three small kids were bragging about how tough they were. “I’m so tough”, said the first little boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.” The second little boy said, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.” “That’s nothing”, said the third child. “When my parents take me to see my Grandma and Grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour."

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father

2009-10-11T14:15:00.005-07:00

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife

2009-10-11T14:15:00.003-07:00

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape

2009-10-11T14:15:00.001-07:00

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street

2009-10-11T14:14:00.005-07:00

A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by a cop. “Didn’t you see the arrows?” he asked.

“Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians,” she said.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

2009-10-11T14:14:00.003-07:00

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway

2009-10-11T14:14:00.001-07:00

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.

2009-10-11T14:13:00.005-07:00

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.

The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.

The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”

Not having much education the idiot said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”

The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”

When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.

What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?

Let’s peal it back down stairs.

This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions

2009-10-11T14:13:00.003-07:00

This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.

The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.

What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.

What was your mother’s name before she was married?

None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.

The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer

2009-10-11T14:13:00.001-07:00

The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer match up service simply as “dater-processing”

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

2009-10-11T14:12:00.003-07:00

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

A caller dial the operator: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

2009-10-11T14:12:00.001-07:00

A caller dial the operator: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack? The operator says I’m sorry, sir, I do not understand. The caller continues, on page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. “Now, can you give the number for Jack?

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

2009-10-11T14:11:00.005-07:00

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition

2009-10-11T14:11:00.003-07:00

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path

2009-10-11T14:11:00.001-07:00

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

2009-10-11T14:10:00.006-07:00

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”

“Fine, I need a new garage door.”

Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles

2009-10-11T14:10:00.004-07:00

Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed. Why? asks Mick. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5, Mick looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”

An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip.

2009-10-11T14:10:00.002-07:00

An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”

What did the idiot do with the flea in his ear?

2009-10-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

What did the idiot do with the flea in his ear?

He shot it!

What do you call the flea that lives in the idiot's ear?

The space invader!

Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which

2009-10-11T14:09:00.002-07:00

Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:

2009-10-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:

"Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?"

"Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply.

"So, are you clever?" asked Daniel.

"Ja," replied the South African.

The president of a movie-studio who was not exactly noted

2009-10-11T14:08:00.005-07:00

The president of a movie-studio who was not exactly noted for his knowledge of the English language received a well written story titled “The Optimist.” After reading the manuscript, he called a gathering of the most creative minds and announced, “Gentlemen, we got us a great story here, but I want all of you to think of something simpler for a title. There ain’t many people will know the technical term for eye doctor.”

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists

2009-10-11T14:08:00.003-07:00

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills

2009-10-11T14:08:00.001-07:00

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”

“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”

“That is your first worry,” he replied.

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer

2009-10-11T14:07:00.005-07:00

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young,

2009-10-11T14:07:00.003-07:00

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a

2009-10-11T14:07:00.001-07:00

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a

complete stop on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver

still waited.

Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign

says 'Yield', not "give up!"

Did you hear about the cannibals that attended the wedding?

2009-10-11T14:06:00.004-07:00

Q: Did you hear about the cannibals that attended the wedding?

A: They toasted the bride and groom.

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office.

2009-10-11T14:06:00.002-07:00

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"

The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"

A man is walking down the street. He sees a beautiful woman

2009-10-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

A man is walking down the street. He sees a beautiful woman coming toward him. She's walking a dog. As she comes nearer, he finds he can't take his eyes off the dog...she gets within ten feet of him, and he says, "Excuse me, lady, but I couldn't help noticing...your dog has no nose...how does he smell?"

"Awful!" She replied

Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.

2009-10-11T14:05:00.003-07:00

Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.

That’s good John; when did you start walking?

When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.

A man was driving the wrong way down

2009-10-11T14:05:00.001-07:00

A man was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. He was stopped by a policeman. “This is a one-way street,” said the officer. “I know,” said the motorist, “I’m only going one way.”

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until

2009-10-10T14:08:00.002-07:00

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight

2009-10-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill.

2009-10-10T14:07:00.003-07:00

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip

2009-10-10T14:07:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared

2009-10-10T14:06:00.001-07:00

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp

2009-10-10T14:05:00.001-07:00

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

2009-10-10T14:04:00.005-07:00

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

2009-10-10T14:04:00.003-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students

2009-10-10T14:04:00.001-07:00

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?

2009-10-10T14:03:00.005-07:00

At an entrance:

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?

Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.

What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

2009-10-10T14:03:00.003-07:00

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

A. Limp biscuit

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

2009-10-10T14:03:00.001-07:00

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed

2009-10-10T14:02:00.004-07:00

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist

2009-10-10T14:02:00.002-07:00

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

Did you ever notice?

2009-10-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Did you ever notice?

When you put the two words

"The" and "IRS" together

it spells "THEIRS"?

Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

2009-10-10T14:01:00.003-07:00

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside

2009-10-10T14:01:00.001-07:00

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick

2009-10-10T14:00:00.005-07:00

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged

2009-10-10T14:00:00.003-07:00

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

Two atoms were walking down the street.

2009-10-10T14:00:00.001-07:00

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, "I've lost an electron! The 2nd atom replies, "Are you sure?" Says the 1st atom, "I'm positive."

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

2009-10-10T13:59:00.005-07:00

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner.

2009-10-10T13:59:00.003-07:00

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

A high school student is in the counselor’s office.

2009-10-10T13:59:00.001-07:00

A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?

“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”

The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp

2009-10-10T13:58:00.004-07:00

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that

2009-10-10T13:58:00.002-07:00

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that

read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front

of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to

the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The

truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

The Substitute Tooth Fairy

2009-10-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse

2009-10-10T13:57:00.002-07:00

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.

2009-10-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.

You certainly do, sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots

2009-10-10T13:56:00.003-07:00

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia,

2009-10-10T13:56:00.001-07:00

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped

2009-10-10T13:55:00.003-07:00

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

2009-10-10T13:55:00.001-07:00

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the

2009-10-10T13:54:00.003-07:00

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the

flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?'

Greg asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop

2009-10-10T13:54:00.001-07:00

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven

2009-10-10T13:53:00.004-07:00

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?

A: A widow.

A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear

2009-10-10T13:53:00.002-07:00

A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear of people making fun of him. One day this man decides to go out and have some fun. So, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a woman with a flat face. He thinks,” Well, she wouldn't make fun of me because she would understand how I feel." So, he finally gathers up the courage to talk to her, he goes over and asks her, “Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" And the woman answers, “Would I!!!" (Wood Eye) The man, obviously offended, screams, "flat face!!!" and storms out of the bar.

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're

2009-10-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're

suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em

fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser

for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.

2009-10-10T13:52:00.004-07:00

One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.

It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster.

She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn’t hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.

She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.

One day, an employee received an unusually large check

2009-10-10T13:52:00.002-07:00

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.

2009-10-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.

She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner,

2009-10-10T13:51:00.005-07:00

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives

2009-10-10T13:51:00.003-07:00

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped

2009-10-10T13:51:00.001-07:00

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

2009-10-10T13:50:00.003-07:00

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer

2009-10-10T13:50:00.001-07:00

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

A couple is reading the paper, the wife says:

2009-10-10T13:49:00.005-07:00

A couple is reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,

2009-10-10T13:49:00.003-07:00

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it

At a party the hostess served a guest a cup of punch

2009-10-10T13:49:00.001-07:00

At a party the hostess served a guest a cup of punch and told him it was spiked.

Next, she served some to a minister. “I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips!” he shouted.

Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice!”

A man is incomplete until he is married

2009-10-10T13:48:00.003-07:00

A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.

What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?

2009-10-10T13:48:00.001-07:00

What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?

You get to meet new people every day!

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall

2009-10-09T13:51:00.001-07:00

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology,

2009-10-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile

2009-10-09T13:50:00.003-07:00

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"